The Wedding

The morning started off relaxed, we got up, had breakfast, did the washing, then took Bec up to my mother in law's so that she could be collected to have her hair done for the wedding.

Then I called to my hairdressers to have my hair done - things started going downhill from there really. She'd been broken into. I couldn't believe it. There was broken glass everywhere, every available thing she had was gone, they even took her sink. She was breaking her heart, the poor love. You name it, it was gone.

Obviously, I left her to it and went back to my mother in law's to get the Yellow Pages to find another hairdresser. Bec was still there, she was supposed to be gone by 10.30. 11 o'clock she was picked up, sigh ...

The plan was that she'd have her hair done, then go back to our house for something to eat, change into her dress (gag) and then I'd take her to the bride's house so she could go in the car from there to the church with the rest of the bridesmaids.

Guess what time she came home from the hairdressers? 2.40 ... The wedding was at 3...

If that isn't taking the *p*, I don't know what is.

Gary decided that it would be easier to take her straight to the church (how we got there in 25 minutes - yes we were late too - I'll never know). There was no sign of the bridesmaids turning up, all the mobile phones were switched off and we had no way of telling Alana that we were at the Church with Bec. The next thing this mouthy piece showed up and glared at me, then as loud as possible and magically got in touch with Alana saying "I can't believe it, they've only brought her straight here."

Well I saw red.

We were a good distance from each other, so I yelled back, "Well, if certain people had the decency to drop my daughter back at a reasonable time so that she could change and perhaps have something in her stomach beforehand, then we wouldn't have needed to bring her straight here."

She glared at me and I glared at her. I was all for going home there and then. I just knew that this was going to end up being the wedding from hell - and it was.

Alana took one look at Bec's shrug and told her, very forcefully, to "Get that thing off .... NOW!" Thank God I wasn't there when she said it or she'd have been crying going up that aisle.

Sharon, my sister in law was filming the wedding, rolling her eyes at me every so often at how much of a farce it was, of course, I was doing the same - my face like a fiddle as I was still smarting over the hair business. Do you realise that I thought Alana was in the car when Bec went to get her hair done and she wasn't? I didn't have a clue where she was and when Gary asked her mother (who'd called down to his mother's to take photo's of the Groom), she'd said, "Oh she left an hour ago."

Think about it. A car journey from Swansea to Cardiff is less than an hour. So where the hell was she? Morriston Hospital's A&E Department? Lying in a ditch somewhere? Something worse? She couldn't have cared less. She didn't even give Gary the chance to ask exactly where she was either. It was always assumed that she was in Alana's house, which we've now found out that she wasn't. Livid is an understatement.

We arrived at the Reception, calling into a shop to pick Bec and Courtney up a quick snack first because they were absolutely starving by this point. Her "red carpet" that she was so excited about turned out to be a little scrap of carpet about five foot long, heh heh heh!

The Groom's family had one photo taken and that was it. She had dozens taken with her family and that's fine. I always said they were interbreeding hicks, so they probably had a lot to deal with as cousins were probably brothers too and aunts could well have been grandmothers at some point ... I was happy to sit in the bar and have a drink out of the way of all the shenanigans to be honest.

We were then called in to eat... There was a bottle of wine on each table (which of course was cheap and nasty, just like the bride and her family) and champagne for the top table. The buffet was opened and we took one look at the food and said "No thanks." We had to make do with a bread roll. The food was that disgusting. Muck was an understatement.

The "mouthy piece" who I had a run in with earlier that day, looked at me by the buffet and grabbed the other bridesmaid (the one that was the same age as Bec and the bride's sister) and said, "Don't you like the food, never mind, I'll get the chef to rustle up some chips for you. How does that sound?"

Then she made a big song and dance of presenting this little girl with a plate of chips and bread and butter, in front of Bec and Courtney (my niece) who were absolutely starving at this point. Bitch is too tame a word for what I was thinking of her.

Peter, my brother in law and Courtney's father, went to the bar and actually bought to plates of chips for our girls or they would have had to have starved until after the reception when I could get to them and take them somewhere to eat.

There was a table opposite us with her family on - yes, mouth almighty was there too. Anyway, I didn't take any notice of them. One of the guests on our table bit into a panini and a piece of plastic cut her gum open. Now, like I said, I didn't take any notice of the table opposite us, so when this man was topping up the champagne on the top table, I assumed he was the waiter. "Tell him," I said, "that's so dangerous."

To be fair, she told him, explained to him what happened and handed over the piece of plastic. He said that he'd inform the management. Then he calmly walked back over to his table, flung the piece of plastic into a corner and said "Stupid f*ckers."

Nigel (our very good friend) saw red. He got up, walked over and quietly gave him a mouthful and picked up the piece of plastic from the floor. Gary and Nigel then went to see the wedding organiser who apologised profusely and gave us four free bottles of wine (which was delish) as a goodwill gesture. To say the table opposite were devastated was an understatement. They just kept glaring at us all the time which was so unsettling and awful that you couldn't help but feel intimidated by them.

Next came the speeches. Gary was called up first which was a good thing because he was slowly going to pieces and his brothers were also getting worked up as they'd read the speech beforehand. I thought it was a good thing as they had time to prepare themselves. As soon as Gary spoke, Peter went to pieces, Adrian was fighting to keep it together and Clive was comforted by his cousin. When his speech was over, he had a standing ovation from all of his family and our friends. I also realised that I was squeezing Karin's (my friend, Nigel's wife) throughout.

Adrian and the best man's speech was okay, no surprises, just a lot of thank you's. Then her father got up to make his speech - I felt like tracing my finger along the line, he could barely read it and it was so false.

I have never known a bride to make a speech... Alana did. "Firstly, I'd like to thank Gary for giving that wonderful speech dedicated to my father in law. Yes, she caught me rolling my eyes to heaven and yes, I deliberately made it obvious. She whittered on for a few more moments but I'd lost interest by then (not that I ever was interested in the first place).

We had to be "upstanding to toast the bride and groom". I nearly choked on my wine (not champers - we weren't privy to that - when Sharon added quietly, may you rot in hell, whilst looking straight at Alana. Hmmm..... nice one, Shar!

The evening came around, I'd taken my mother in law home, she'd had enough (hadn't we all?). Now I've got nothing against gays, but when they are just stopping short of having sex in front of children, now that's just not on. Miffed was an understatement, they knew exactly what they were doing.

What topped it off for me was when Sharon took Bec to the toilet and one of them walked in, and used the toilet!! "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Sharon asked him.

"Taking a f-ing leak, what does it look like?"

"Well in case you hadn't noticed, this is a ladies toilet and I have my ten year old niece here, so f. off next door, you f-ing weirdo."

I'm shaking typing this now ...

The next thing "Gay Boy" said something to Nigel and Nigel totally flipped. Alana had the cheek to burst out crying and say that Nigel had totally ruined her wedding. Err, HELLO???

Every single person I spoke to that wasn't related to Alana called her everything. I was told how much they disliked her (I'm being polite now), how wrong she was for Adrian and what a total farce the wedding had been.

(Did I mention that when I had Bec's dress back from being "altered" it was a total mess too? I can't hem - I totally admit it - but I know for a fact that I could have sewn that better. The dress was totally ruined. Seamstress ... my Aunt Fanny... I'm taking my wonderful friend's advice and burning the cowing thing. Thanks for the tip, Rosie - love ya!)